FOR RENT: MY SHOES, WOMEN SIZE 7.5-8
I can never give away shoes. Why should I? My foot size hasn't changed in 20 years. Plus, these shoes represent part of the History of Me. But I am happy to rent them out. Relax and peruse my virtual closet.
Designer: Gapelle. If you love Twiggy, you'll love these Open-Toed Mules. Yellow and White Daisy Embossed Fabric, purchased on King's Road, London, circa 1996. The look is all 1960's though. Worn only twice while I was planting daisies on my terrace in my bikini thong. (Thong not included. It ended up where all thongs end up. Ouch!) Yellow and white nail polish mandatory!
Designer: Dollhouse. How can you go wrong with this name? I love dolls and I love these shoes! Envision pale, pink leather with tiny, pink and lime green beads. These precious Mules have a strap over the instep and a heel that looks like an upside-down dollop of whipped cream.
Designer: Seychelles. I've been to the Seychelle Islands, so obviously I had to purchase these. They are souped-up Mary Janes. While she was designing them, I think the designer had a few hits off her mary jane cigarette. They are patent leather, luminescent aquamarine with several layers of ecru stitching. For breathability, they have three peek-a-boo holes and a bow. Yeah, for real!
Designer: Kenneth Cole. Black patent leather Mary Janes with a silver buckle. "Wake me up before 'ya go, Girl!" Boring basics are a necessity at times!
Designer: Unisa. Roman-style, lace-up sandals, reminiscent of ones I had in 6th grade! Picture a flat, wooden sole with burlap to support the heel and a thick burlap strap over the toes. Strap is ensconced with fake puca shells and gemstones. Don't forget to strap these bad boy leather laces up to the knee! So appropriate if you're drinking rum punches on the Jolly Roger party boat in the Bahamas. I promise!
Designer: Stuart Weitzman. See, I do have some taste, despite the Roman sandals! True FM Sling Backs. If you don't know what FM stands for, then FU and quit reading my Blog! Four-inch heels that replicate daggers. Black fishnet body stocking not included!
Designer: Point. "I Dream of Jeannie" Slippers. The sultry teal raw silk is sprinkled with translucent red and purple beading. Slide into these, smoke a hookah, and drink coffee thicker than chocolate pudding. You'll think you're in Casablanca. Hello, Humphrey Bogart!
Designer: Pineda Colvalin. Three-inch slick black heel. Oaxaca-style animal stitching in various colors on these blood-red silk pointed Mules, purchased in Cancun. Matching purse. Who am I kidding? I'm not letting these out of my sight!
Maker: Rockport. Never worn (but 10 years old). Ox blood traditional preppy Loafers. For my Connecticut friends. You know who you are.
Designer: Dr. Scholl's. Oops! I mean Chocolat Blu. Merlot colored Boots with matching corduroy stitched interior and a petite buckle pocket on the side. Too small for a cell phone, but for the active dating girl, perhaps she could store something in here.
Obviously, these aren't all my shoes. Just the ones I can easily describe! Next time, I'll simply post photos, but where's the fun in that?
Is J. Peterman looking for copywriters for his catalog?
Friday, November 13, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Bobbi Brown
Bobbi Brown is my Bitch! Yeah, Baby, she is. Well . . . I think so. Or maybe it's vice versa. The problem is I'm not really sure what the term "Bitch" means in 21st Century dialogue.
Every ten years or so, I update my make-up. Somewhere along the line, I got sucked into (I mean introduced) to The Bobbi Brown Way of Life. This means I spend a lot of money to look completely natural, but with a sophisticated flair. Yeah, okay, I like marketing!
So, I go to Bergdorf-Goodman. They actually do allow middle-income people in there! And boy, do I fit in. Me, the Saudi Princesses, and other types of Princesses, too! The make-up/make-over/cosmetic stations are in the basement. Very smart, lots of natural lighting!
My saviour for the day was Cassandra. Bobbi wasn't working the counter that day. By the end of our beauty session, Cassandra really seemed to like me. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I had to use two credit cards to pay for my over haul!
Our session fell into two categories: Maintenance and Beauty
I carried along my ten year-old containers of make-up dust to share with Bobbi and Cassandra: base, blush, and bronzer
Cassandra kindly assured me the 21st Century wasn't out of my realm if we acted quickly. She introduced me to the evening routine first as to not overwhelm me. She assured me I could accomplish these few short steps even when intoxicated. She seems to know me already.
Exfoliate face
Air dry
Lovingly pat eye balm around Entire Eye Area
Sweep Night Cream onto remaining flesh, including necks (not a typo). Sweep correctly and your face will Lift and Firm all night long. Remember in French, it is Cre'me de Nuit. How great is that!!!
Sleep for an uninterrupted 12 hours for optimum results
AM Maintenance:
Cold water on face
Air dry or blow dry on high if in a hurry. Careful of the Under Eye Area
Methodically titillate Hydrating Eye Cream onto Under Eye Area only. Please do not confuse Entire Eye Area with Under Eye Area
Dot and blend in Time Resisting Day Cream, formally known as moisturizer
Next two items go hand in hand, like butter and jam. Corrector and Creamy Concealer Kit. Remember, it's still the Maintenance Portion of my Beauty Program.
Dab Corrector ( in my case, Light Bisque) on the Under Eye Area. Let air dry several minutes.
Gently, dot on Creamy Concealer Kit (Warm Ivory for me) in the same area as Corrector and Hydrating Eye Cream. Is it really a mystery why women have wrinkles here?
My next two products fall between the cracks of Maintenance and Beauty. Perhaps it sounds better if I describe them as bridges between Maintenance and Beauty.
Bridge Items:
Bobbi Brown SPF 25 Tinted Moisturizing Balm. For those of you still in the 20th Century, this used to be called Base Make-up. Now, why did I glob on the Time Resisting Day Creme with SPF 12 if I have this Balm that is suppose to moisturize? Does that now mean I'm protected up to SPF 37 with double the amount of lotion, I mean Balm/Creme? Anyone, anyone? An answer please.
"WARNING: Keep Tinted Moisturizing Balm out of eyes." It doesn't say anything about that "Under Eye Area." I think Bobbi is trying to mess with me or just never thought anyone would read the extra-fine small print on the back of these boxes. My color is Light Tint. Are you starting to get the impression that I'm fairer-skinned than Michael Jackson? Ouch!
My second Bridge Item is a Vanilla Stick. I made this name up because I tossed the box. The color is correct though . . .Vanilla. Apply to Eyelid and Upper Eye Area so Eye Shadow will adhere all day and all night long.
Now to move into the Beauty Portion of my morning
My Eye Shades are Navajo, Mahogany, and Cement. Attractive, huh? Well, I brush and sweep and line this on over the Vanilla Stick for such a natural look that no one realizes I have $70 of Bobbi Brown Product on my eyelid alone! Rest assured, the Vanilla Stick will keep it on all day and all night.
I bought the No Smudge Mascara knowing that I'd use it twice a year.
I even showed Cassandra/Bobbi my make-up brushes. She allowed me to keep them, but begged me to wash them. Yeah, right. They've been good for ten years without seeing any Woolite. What's another ten?
Bronzing Powder: The name is misleading. The term "Bronzing" should only be used with ridiculously handsome lifeguards. My color is Golden Light 1. This is the sole reason why women wear make-up. Take the powdered brush in hand and fluff the horse hairs where ever you want. Well, as long as that's below the cheek bone, above the jaw line. Dance the brush above the eyebrows; don't touch the Under Eye area. There's already enough accouterments cemented there. A dusting of Bronzing Powder is even allowed on your necks, if you want.
Can you guess what is next?
Blush, of course. Oops! I didn't really mean that. We cutting edge women refer to it as Sheer Color Cheek Tint. Well, mine is a blendable, buildable color for comfortable wear. Wow, someone got paid for that text?
I bought several lip glosses, lip cremes, and lip sticks because they all had deliciously, sexy names. Cassandra/Bobbi assured me they would serve my lips well.
Now that I rethink this whole ordeal and have essentially bought Bobbi six Egyptian cotton bathsheets, perhaps I am her B-I-T-C-H.
I don't think that's good, right?
Regardless, people do say I'm a naturally beauty now.
DISCLAIMER: Not all of the products mentioned above are Bobbi Brown Products. A couple of them may be from Boots Pharmacy, London. Well, sort of. The Boots Products can now be purchased at your local Target Department Store. Please pronounce the name "Target" with a French accent as you read this Blog. Thank you.
Every ten years or so, I update my make-up. Somewhere along the line, I got sucked into (I mean introduced) to The Bobbi Brown Way of Life. This means I spend a lot of money to look completely natural, but with a sophisticated flair. Yeah, okay, I like marketing!
So, I go to Bergdorf-Goodman. They actually do allow middle-income people in there! And boy, do I fit in. Me, the Saudi Princesses, and other types of Princesses, too! The make-up/make-over/cosmetic stations are in the basement. Very smart, lots of natural lighting!
My saviour for the day was Cassandra. Bobbi wasn't working the counter that day. By the end of our beauty session, Cassandra really seemed to like me. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I had to use two credit cards to pay for my over haul!
Our session fell into two categories: Maintenance and Beauty
I carried along my ten year-old containers of make-up dust to share with Bobbi and Cassandra: base, blush, and bronzer
Cassandra kindly assured me the 21st Century wasn't out of my realm if we acted quickly. She introduced me to the evening routine first as to not overwhelm me. She assured me I could accomplish these few short steps even when intoxicated. She seems to know me already.
Exfoliate face
Air dry
Lovingly pat eye balm around Entire Eye Area
Sweep Night Cream onto remaining flesh, including necks (not a typo). Sweep correctly and your face will Lift and Firm all night long. Remember in French, it is Cre'me de Nuit. How great is that!!!
Sleep for an uninterrupted 12 hours for optimum results
I smiled graciously at Cassandra, who apparently lives on another planet. "No problem," I cooed. "I always go to bed at 5 p.m. when I need to get up at 5 a.m."
Silence. We're moving onto Morning Maintenance
AM Maintenance:
Cold water on face
Air dry or blow dry on high if in a hurry. Careful of the Under Eye Area
Methodically titillate Hydrating Eye Cream onto Under Eye Area only. Please do not confuse Entire Eye Area with Under Eye Area
Dot and blend in Time Resisting Day Cream, formally known as moisturizer
Next two items go hand in hand, like butter and jam. Corrector and Creamy Concealer Kit. Remember, it's still the Maintenance Portion of my Beauty Program.
Dab Corrector ( in my case, Light Bisque) on the Under Eye Area. Let air dry several minutes.
Gently, dot on Creamy Concealer Kit (Warm Ivory for me) in the same area as Corrector and Hydrating Eye Cream. Is it really a mystery why women have wrinkles here?
My next two products fall between the cracks of Maintenance and Beauty. Perhaps it sounds better if I describe them as bridges between Maintenance and Beauty.
Bridge Items:
Bobbi Brown SPF 25 Tinted Moisturizing Balm. For those of you still in the 20th Century, this used to be called Base Make-up. Now, why did I glob on the Time Resisting Day Creme with SPF 12 if I have this Balm that is suppose to moisturize? Does that now mean I'm protected up to SPF 37 with double the amount of lotion, I mean Balm/Creme? Anyone, anyone? An answer please.
"WARNING: Keep Tinted Moisturizing Balm out of eyes." It doesn't say anything about that "Under Eye Area." I think Bobbi is trying to mess with me or just never thought anyone would read the extra-fine small print on the back of these boxes. My color is Light Tint. Are you starting to get the impression that I'm fairer-skinned than Michael Jackson? Ouch!
My second Bridge Item is a Vanilla Stick. I made this name up because I tossed the box. The color is correct though . . .Vanilla. Apply to Eyelid and Upper Eye Area so Eye Shadow will adhere all day and all night long.
Now to move into the Beauty Portion of my morning
My Eye Shades are Navajo, Mahogany, and Cement. Attractive, huh? Well, I brush and sweep and line this on over the Vanilla Stick for such a natural look that no one realizes I have $70 of Bobbi Brown Product on my eyelid alone! Rest assured, the Vanilla Stick will keep it on all day and all night.
I bought the No Smudge Mascara knowing that I'd use it twice a year.
I even showed Cassandra/Bobbi my make-up brushes. She allowed me to keep them, but begged me to wash them. Yeah, right. They've been good for ten years without seeing any Woolite. What's another ten?
Bronzing Powder: The name is misleading. The term "Bronzing" should only be used with ridiculously handsome lifeguards. My color is Golden Light 1. This is the sole reason why women wear make-up. Take the powdered brush in hand and fluff the horse hairs where ever you want. Well, as long as that's below the cheek bone, above the jaw line. Dance the brush above the eyebrows; don't touch the Under Eye area. There's already enough accouterments cemented there. A dusting of Bronzing Powder is even allowed on your necks, if you want.
Can you guess what is next?
Blush, of course. Oops! I didn't really mean that. We cutting edge women refer to it as Sheer Color Cheek Tint. Well, mine is a blendable, buildable color for comfortable wear. Wow, someone got paid for that text?
I bought several lip glosses, lip cremes, and lip sticks because they all had deliciously, sexy names. Cassandra/Bobbi assured me they would serve my lips well.
Now that I rethink this whole ordeal and have essentially bought Bobbi six Egyptian cotton bathsheets, perhaps I am her B-I-T-C-H.
I don't think that's good, right?
Regardless, people do say I'm a naturally beauty now.
DISCLAIMER: Not all of the products mentioned above are Bobbi Brown Products. A couple of them may be from Boots Pharmacy, London. Well, sort of. The Boots Products can now be purchased at your local Target Department Store. Please pronounce the name "Target" with a French accent as you read this Blog. Thank you.
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