Bobbi Brown

Bobbi Brown is my Bitch! Yeah, Baby, she is. Well . . . I think so. Or maybe it's vice versa. The problem is I'm not really sure what the term "Bitch" means in 21st Century dialogue.


Every ten years or so, I update my make-up. Somewhere along the line, I got sucked into (I mean introduced) to The Bobbi Brown Way of Life. This means I spend a lot of money to look completely natural, but with a sophisticated flair. Yeah, okay, I like marketing!

So, I go to Bergdorf-Goodman. They actually do allow middle-income people in there! And boy, do I fit in. Me, the Saudi Princesses, and other types of Princesses, too! The make-up/make-over/cosmetic stations are in the basement. Very smart, lots of natural lighting!

My saviour for the day was Cassandra. Bobbi wasn't working the counter that day. By the end of our beauty session, Cassandra really seemed to like me. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I had to use two credit cards to pay for my over haul!



Our session fell into two categories: Maintenance and Beauty

I carried along my ten year-old containers of make-up dust to share with Bobbi and Cassandra: base, blush, and bronzer



Cassandra kindly assured me the 21st Century wasn't out of my realm if we acted quickly. She introduced me to the evening routine first as to not overwhelm me. She assured me I could accomplish these few short steps even when intoxicated. She seems to know me already.

Exfoliate face

Air dry

Lovingly pat eye balm around Entire Eye Area

Sweep Night Cream onto remaining flesh, including necks (not a typo). Sweep correctly and your face will Lift and Firm all night long. Remember in French, it is Cre'me de Nuit. How great is that!!!


Sleep for an uninterrupted 12 hours for optimum results

I smiled graciously at Cassandra, who apparently lives on another planet. "No problem," I cooed. "I always go to bed at 5 p.m. when I need to get up at 5 a.m."

Silence. We're moving onto Morning Maintenance

AM Maintenance:

Cold water on face

Air dry or blow dry on high if in a hurry. Careful of the Under Eye Area

Methodically titillate Hydrating Eye Cream onto Under Eye Area only. Please do not confuse Entire Eye Area with Under Eye Area

Dot and blend in Time Resisting Day Cream, formally known as moisturizer

Next two items go hand in hand, like butter and jam. Corrector and Creamy Concealer Kit. Remember, it's still the Maintenance Portion of my Beauty Program.

Dab Corrector ( in my case, Light Bisque) on the Under Eye Area. Let air dry several minutes.

Gently, dot on Creamy Concealer Kit (Warm Ivory for me) in the same area as Corrector and Hydrating Eye Cream. Is it really a mystery why women have wrinkles here?

My next two products fall between the cracks of Maintenance and Beauty. Perhaps it sounds better if I describe them as bridges between Maintenance and Beauty.

Bridge Items:

Bobbi Brown SPF 25 Tinted Moisturizing Balm. For those of you still in the 20th Century, this used to be called Base Make-up. Now, why did I glob on the Time Resisting Day Creme with SPF 12 if I have this Balm that is suppose to moisturize? Does that now mean I'm protected up to SPF 37 with double the amount of lotion, I mean Balm/Creme? Anyone, anyone? An answer please.






"WARNING: Keep Tinted Moisturizing Balm out of eyes." It doesn't say anything about that "Under Eye Area." I think Bobbi is trying to mess with me or just never thought anyone would read the extra-fine small print on the back of these boxes. My color is Light Tint. Are you starting to get the impression that I'm fairer-skinned than Michael Jackson? Ouch!


My second Bridge Item is a Vanilla Stick. I made this name up because I tossed the box. The color is correct though . . .Vanilla. Apply to Eyelid and Upper Eye Area so Eye Shadow will adhere all day and all night long.

Now to move into the Beauty Portion of my morning

My Eye Shades are Navajo, Mahogany, and Cement. Attractive, huh? Well, I brush and sweep and line this on over the Vanilla Stick for such a natural look that no one realizes I have $70 of Bobbi Brown Product on my eyelid alone! Rest assured, the Vanilla Stick will keep it on all day and all night.



I bought the No Smudge Mascara knowing that I'd use it twice a year.



I even showed Cassandra/Bobbi my make-up brushes. She allowed me to keep them, but begged me to wash them. Yeah, right. They've been good for ten years without seeing any Woolite. What's another ten?



Bronzing Powder: The name is misleading. The term "Bronzing" should only be used with ridiculously handsome lifeguards. My color is Golden Light 1. This is the sole reason why women wear make-up. Take the powdered brush in hand and fluff the horse hairs where ever you want. Well, as long as that's below the cheek bone, above the jaw line. Dance the brush above the eyebrows; don't touch the Under Eye area. There's already enough accouterments cemented there. A dusting of Bronzing Powder is even allowed on your necks, if you want.





Can you guess what is next?




Blush, of course. Oops! I didn't really mean that. We cutting edge women refer to it as Sheer Color Cheek Tint. Well, mine is a blendable, buildable color for comfortable wear. Wow, someone got paid for that text?





I bought several lip glosses, lip cremes, and lip sticks because they all had deliciously, sexy names. Cassandra/Bobbi assured me they would serve my lips well.

Now that I rethink this whole ordeal and have essentially bought Bobbi six Egyptian cotton bathsheets, perhaps I am her B-I-T-C-H.


I don't think that's good, right?

Regardless, people do say I'm a naturally beauty now.

DISCLAIMER: Not all of the products mentioned above are Bobbi Brown Products. A couple of them may be from Boots Pharmacy, London. Well, sort of. The Boots Products can now be purchased at your local Target Department Store. Please pronounce the name "Target" with a French accent as you read this Blog. Thank you.